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What is my partner feeling? How can I give support?

Tuning in to each other’s needs

Coping with your own response to issues of infertility – let alone your partner’s – is a challenge. For one thing, your reactions to fertility problems will be different. Women tend to confront problems head on. They seem naturally able to talk about their feelings, especially to other women. They want to know how men feel too, which isn’t always easy to express.

Men on the other hand, try to work out things themselves and try not to let a problem interfere with their daily routine.

None of this means either of you should change your behaviour. But being aware of these differences can help you avoid misunderstandings and approach your treatment as a team.

If you feel your partner needs more support than you can give, suggest seeing a psychologist together. Don’t dismiss the value of professional advice or over-estimate your ability to deal with stress on your own. The important thing is to intervene before stress gets out of hand. The Fertility Compass will help you and your partner decide if you need to see a psychologist.

Coming together

Many couples that have been through fertility treatment say they’re brought closer by the experience¹, despite the distress they’ve been through. With positive thinking and communication, you can get through each stressful stage of the treatment cycle together by talking with each other and working as a team. Use this chart to get started.

You’ll find it helps if you:

Don’t allow fertility to rule your life. Instead, if there’s something you need to discuss, set aside a specific time and give the venue some thought. A walk in the park may be less intense than a fixed table for two.
Put a conscious effort into planning something fun where you don’t need to talk about your fertility. It’s important to create some balance in your life.
Don’t let stress rule your life. Yoga, meditation or exercise may help shift your focus.

Don’t wait for your partner to initiate a conversation. Remember, you’re going through this together. Sometimes just verbalising fears and frustrations can alleviate some of the stress you both feel. Open up and encourage your partner to share feelings too.

Some coping strategies

During treatment, help your partner focus on managing feelings and maintaining a balanced life. These practical steps will help:

Read as much as you can about infertility, its causes and treatments. Websites like this one are a great start.
Accept your partner may feel a need to share feelings more or less often than you do. Agree on privacy boundaries and build a support network that meets your needs.
Cut down on stressful activities and allow yourselves private time.
Organise the odd surprise. It will remind you both why you’re on this journey together.
Try going to doctor appointments together so you both understand what’s happening.
Acknowledge that periods of depression or anxiety may occur.
Plan ahead and be mentally prepared for multiple treatment cycles.
Organise your life, so treatment does not take it over. Use this treatment planner to help you plan your life during treatment.

Watch your partner for signs of negative thoughts. Infertility isn’t someone’s ‘fault.’ It’s a medical condition that affects about one in ten couples.²

Getting through your treatment

Often, the most stressful stage of the treatment cycle may be the waiting time, the 14-day period between the embryo transfer and the pregnancy test. Many women are looking for signs of pregnancy and ask how they can maximize their chances of conception. Your doctor may offer advice, but largely, it’s a case of nature taking its course.

The best thing you can do is plan a variety of activities together to keep your mind off fertility problems and to lift your mood. Women may find this Waiting Card useful to stay positive. It contains a series of positive statements to reinforce self-belief.

Remind each other how strong you both are. Recall other trying events in your life and how you overcame them. You can both feel proud about how far you’ve come and the challenges you’ve come through.

You may want to give some thought to what you may do if the results of the pregnancy test aren’t positive. Although the overall success rate of modern fertility treatments is high, many couples undergo multiple cycles to achieve pregnancy. A good idea is to plan some nice time with your partner to discuss the way forward.

^{1. Schmidt L et al. Does infertility cause marital benefit? An epidemiological study of 2250 women and men in fertility treatment. Patient Education and Counseling 2005;59: 244–251. 2. Boivin J et al, International estimates of infertility prevalence and treatment seeking: potential need and demand for infertility medical care. Hum Reprod. 2007;22: 1506-1512.}

Fallopian tube

A funnel-shaped passage through which sperm are guided towards the egg, and fertilized eggs are conveyed to the uterine cavity.

Fertilization

The moment of conception when the genetic material contained in the sperm and egg combine to create an embryo. Fertilization usually occurs inside the fallopian tube. It may also occur in vitro during a clinical process. See also In Vitro Fertilization.

Fertility treatment

Any procedure used to enhance fertility or to help couples achieve pregnancy.

Fertility psychologist

A health specialist with professional qualifications in psychology and counselling relating to fertility issues.

Fibroid tumour

A benign (that is, not malignant or life-threatening) tumour made up of fibrous tissue that may form in the uterine wall. Fibroid tumours may be present without any symptoms, or may cause abnormal menstrual patterns or infertility.

Follicle

A fluid-filled sac in the ovary, which contains the egg released during ovulation. Each month a new egg matures and travels to the fallopian tube.

Follicle Stimulating Hormone

A hormone released by the pituitary gland in both sexes. In women, FSH stimulates the growth of the ovarian follicle necessary for egg production. In men, FSH stimulates and supports sperm production. Elevated FSH levels are associated with gonadotrophin failure in both men and women.

Freezing

(See Cryopreservation)

Ectopic pregnancy

A pregnancy in which the embryo implants outside the uterus and cannot be sustained.

Ejaculate

The seminal fluid discharged upon male orgasm, which helps transport sperm.

Egg retrieval

A procedure used to obtain eggs from ovarian follicles for use in In Vitro Fertilization. Retrieval may be performed during a laparoscopy procedure or via the vagina using a blunt syringe and with the aid of an ultrasound to locate the follicle in the ovary.

Embryo

The early stages of foetal growth from conception to the eighth week of pregnancy.

Embryo transfer

The process whereby an embryo is transferred into the uterus after the egg has been fertilized outside the body during a laboratory procedure.

Embryologist

A specialist involved in the various aspects of assisted reproduction laboratory procedures related to sperm, oocytes and embryos.

Endocrinologist

A medical specialist concerned with the study of hormones and infertility, having first trained as an obstetrician/gynaecologist.

Endometrial biopsy

The removal of a sample of the lining of the uterus for examination.

Endometriosis

A condition whereby cells that normally line the uterine cavity grow outside the womb, for example in the fallopian tubes, ovaries, or even the bladder or intestines. The cause is largely unknown. Scarring from endometriosis may cause conception difficulties.

Endometrium

The lining of the uterus, which is shed during the menstrual cycle. If conception takes place, the embryo implants itself into the rich vascular membrane, which nourishes the developing foetus.

Epididymis

A tightly coiled tube located above the testicles or testes, where sperm mature for fertilization.

Cervical mucus

A natural lubricant produced by the female body that aids the transportation of sperm and helps protect against infection.

Cervix

The cervix or neck of the uterus is the lower, narrow portion of the uterus where it joins with the top end of the vagina.

Chlamydia

A sexually-transmitted infection, which may be asymptomatic or cause genital inflammation and discharge, pelvic pain and fever. Untreated, chlamydia can lead to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) and fertility problems.

Chromosomes

Structures found in the nucleus of cells that contain genes and carry heredity information, such as eye colour, blood type and vulnerability to disease. Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes. One set of 23 chromosomes is inherited from the biological mother via her egg and the other from the biological father, via his sperm. Each sperm cell contains either male or female sex chromosomes. As such, it determines the gender of the foetus. Genetic abnormalities occur when an individual is born missing a chromosome or has more copies of a chromosomal pair.

Clomiphene citrate

A prescription drug used to bring on ovulation. It comes as a tablet and is often used as an initial treatment for women with ovulation problems. Clomiphene citrate induces ovulation in 80% of women who have trouble ovulating on their own.

Conception

The moment of fertilization when the sperm meets and penetrates the egg.

Congenital abnormalities

Physical abnormalities present at birth.

Corpus luteum

A hormone-secreting mass within the ovary that forms from the remains of a follicle each time an egg is released. The hormones it produces prepare the uterus for embryo implantation. If pregnancy does not occur, the mass is shed during menstruation.

Cryopreservation

A technique used to store human tissue at very low temperatures. Embryos that are not used in an ART cycle may be preserved in this way for future use. Also known as “Freezing”.

Cryptorchidism

A condition usually detected at birth or childhood whereby the testicles fail to descend. When a male foetus develops in the uterus, his testicles normally form inside his abdomen and descend into the scrotum shortly before birth. Undescended testicles usually descend themselves by the sixth month of life, but are unlikely to descend after this period of their own accord.