How can I support a friend going through infertility treatment?

How can I help?

If you’re reading this page, it may be because a good friend has concerns about her hopes of becoming pregnant. Undergoing fertility treatment is often a private subject and one not everyone is comfortable discussing. Which may add to your dilemma about how to offer her support.

Because it’s such a personal matter, many couples choose not to share their experiences openly with friends or family. As a result they may inadvertently isolate themselves. For a friend standing by, wanting to help, it can be a frustrating experience.

Problems with fertility are widespread. About one in ten couples experience difficulties conceiving.¹ But there is cause for optimism. With modern treatments most couples eventually succeed.²

How is she feeling

It can be difficult to appreciate just how trying conception difficulties are unless you’ve been through it yourself. Everyone’s reaction is different. But one thing is sure. Infertility can alter nearly every aspect of a person’s life: their self-esteem, their dreams for the future and their relationships with others. Few situations in life are as challenging and overwhelming.

It may help to read about common feelings that couples experience at the start of their treatment journey:

Loss of control – the sense that doctors and tests are taking over their life.
Mounting resentment against their body, their partner, or friends who are pregnant or already have children.
Self-reproach, guilt –‘what did I do to deserve this? Could I have done something differently?’
Humiliation over not functioning ‘normally’.
A need for privacy, leading to reclusive behaviour.
A sense of being misunderstood by those who have children or are pregnant.
Strain, as their own relationship is tested.
Shock, disbelief at their prognosis, and/or relief that a problem is confirmed.

Pregnancy is a result of a complex combination of factors and events. Even if doctors are able to identify the barriers preventing pregnancy, conception still takes a degree of luck. Many couples go through multiple cycles to conceive. Learn about the fertility pathway, so you can give the best support for a friend every step of the way.

How you can help

Your friend’s hopes of finding a quick solution may have been replaced with uncertainty. The treatment period can be long with many ups and downs and your friendship may experience new demands.

Be the friend she wants you to be

Help fill her down time. Arrange a film, an afternoon shopping, or a night out dancing – activities that carry no expectation of heavy conversation.

Often, the most stressful stage of the treatment cycle may be the “waiting time”, the 14-day period between the embryo transfer and the pregnancy test. Many women are looking for signs of pregnancy and ask how they can maximize their chances of conception, but largely, it’s a case of nature taking its course. Boost her spirits and shift her focus during the waiting time filling her life with a variety of activities.

Accept that she may not want a confidante

It may be hard, especially if you’ve been close friends for many years. But your friend may decide the subject of her fertility treatment is off-limits. She may be seeing a professional counsellor. Either way, don’t take it personally and avoid sensitive topics that may make her feel uncomfortable.

Be a good listener

Let her be the one to raise the subject of fertility should she wish and let her determine how much she wants to mention. Avoid asking questions unless she invites them and try not to offer advice or solutions. She’s in the hands of professionals. Your role is to help keep her positive about the future. The road to conception may take time.

Don’t be too demanding

At times, she may feel overwhelmed and unable to face even her closest friends. Don’t take offence if she cancels plans at the last minute. Tell her you’ll call her again in a few days if she doesn’t get in touch in a day or two. Chances are she’ll be in a different frame of mind the next time you speak.

Increase your understanding of fertility issues

Use this website to learn what you can about infertility, its causes and treatments. It will help you understand what your friend is going through.

Every stage of the treatment journey is also a step towards realising your friend’s dream of having a baby. That has to be positive! Learn more about tests and treatments in a fertility clinic.

^{1. Boivin J et al, International estimates of infertility prevalence and treatment seeking: potential need and demand for infertility medical care. Hum Reprod. 2007;22: 1506-1512. 2. Pinbourg A et al, Prospective longitudinal cohort study on cumulative 5-year delivery and adoption rates among 1338 couples initiating infertility treatment. Hum Reprod.2009;24: 991-999.}

Fallopian tube

A funnel-shaped passage through which sperm are guided towards the egg, and fertilized eggs are conveyed to the uterine cavity.

Fertilization

The moment of conception when the genetic material contained in the sperm and egg combine to create an embryo. Fertilization usually occurs inside the fallopian tube. It may also occur in vitro during a clinical process. See also In Vitro Fertilization.

Fertility treatment

Any procedure used to enhance fertility or to help couples achieve pregnancy.

Fertility psychologist

A health specialist with professional qualifications in psychology and counselling relating to fertility issues.

Fibroid tumour

A benign (that is, not malignant or life-threatening) tumour made up of fibrous tissue that may form in the uterine wall. Fibroid tumours may be present without any symptoms, or may cause abnormal menstrual patterns or infertility.

Follicle

A fluid-filled sac in the ovary, which contains the egg released during ovulation. Each month a new egg matures and travels to the fallopian tube.

Follicle Stimulating Hormone

A hormone released by the pituitary gland in both sexes. In women, FSH stimulates the growth of the ovarian follicle necessary for egg production. In men, FSH stimulates and supports sperm production. Elevated FSH levels are associated with gonadotrophin failure in both men and women.

Freezing

(See Cryopreservation)

Ectopic pregnancy

A pregnancy in which the embryo implants outside the uterus and cannot be sustained.

Ejaculate

The seminal fluid discharged upon male orgasm, which helps transport sperm.

Egg retrieval

A procedure used to obtain eggs from ovarian follicles for use in In Vitro Fertilization. Retrieval may be performed during a laparoscopy procedure or via the vagina using a blunt syringe and with the aid of an ultrasound to locate the follicle in the ovary.

Embryo

The early stages of foetal growth from conception to the eighth week of pregnancy.

Embryo transfer

The process whereby an embryo is transferred into the uterus after the egg has been fertilized outside the body during a laboratory procedure.

Embryologist

A specialist involved in the various aspects of assisted reproduction laboratory procedures related to sperm, oocytes and embryos.

Endocrinologist

A medical specialist concerned with the study of hormones and infertility, having first trained as an obstetrician/gynaecologist.

Endometrial biopsy

The removal of a sample of the lining of the uterus for examination.

Endometriosis

A condition whereby cells that normally line the uterine cavity grow outside the womb, for example in the fallopian tubes, ovaries, or even the bladder or intestines. The cause is largely unknown. Scarring from endometriosis may cause conception difficulties.

Endometrium

The lining of the uterus, which is shed during the menstrual cycle. If conception takes place, the embryo implants itself into the rich vascular membrane, which nourishes the developing foetus.

Epididymis

A tightly coiled tube located above the testicles or testes, where sperm mature for fertilization.

Cervical mucus

A natural lubricant produced by the female body that aids the transportation of sperm and helps protect against infection.

Cervix

The cervix or neck of the uterus is the lower, narrow portion of the uterus where it joins with the top end of the vagina.

Chlamydia

A sexually-transmitted infection, which may be asymptomatic or cause genital inflammation and discharge, pelvic pain and fever. Untreated, chlamydia can lead to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) and fertility problems.

Chromosomes

Structures found in the nucleus of cells that contain genes and carry heredity information, such as eye colour, blood type and vulnerability to disease. Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes. One set of 23 chromosomes is inherited from the biological mother via her egg and the other from the biological father, via his sperm. Each sperm cell contains either male or female sex chromosomes. As such, it determines the gender of the foetus. Genetic abnormalities occur when an individual is born missing a chromosome or has more copies of a chromosomal pair.

Clomiphene citrate

A prescription drug used to bring on ovulation. It comes as a tablet and is often used as an initial treatment for women with ovulation problems. Clomiphene citrate induces ovulation in 80% of women who have trouble ovulating on their own.

Conception

The moment of fertilization when the sperm meets and penetrates the egg.

Congenital abnormalities

Physical abnormalities present at birth.

Corpus luteum

A hormone-secreting mass within the ovary that forms from the remains of a follicle each time an egg is released. The hormones it produces prepare the uterus for embryo implantation. If pregnancy does not occur, the mass is shed during menstruation.

Cryopreservation

A technique used to store human tissue at very low temperatures. Embryos that are not used in an ART cycle may be preserved in this way for future use. Also known as “Freezing”.

Cryptorchidism

A condition usually detected at birth or childhood whereby the testicles fail to descend. When a male foetus develops in the uterus, his testicles normally form inside his abdomen and descend into the scrotum shortly before birth. Undescended testicles usually descend themselves by the sixth month of life, but are unlikely to descend after this period of their own accord.

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