Emotional connection: male and female coping strategies
Understanding your partner
Undergoing fertility treatment can at times be an overwhelming and stressful experience. Unfortunately, when we’re under stress, we tend to take it out on those closest to us – often our partner.
Men and women are different. They communicate differently, deal with emotions differently and solve problems differently. They also tend to cope differently with conception difficulties. Being aware of these differences you can help you avoid misunderstandings and experience your treatment journey as a team.
Generally speaking, women tend to confront a problem directly by talking things out. They seem naturally able to share feelings, especially with other women, whom they seek out for support or advice. Whatever the problem, they like to be in possession of all the facts. Websites, forums, books, or magazines: there’s always some tip to take away.
Men tend to try to work things out on their own. They don’t find it as natural to share their feelings and try not to let a problem interfere with their daily routine. This may lead some women to question how much their partner cares. The answer may be deeply, but expressed in a different way.
Men tend to focus on the information necessary to take a decision or plan ahead. They’re unlikely to spend hours doing research. But they may check a few websites to obtain a second opinion on what a doctor said.
| Be prepared for the fact that you and your partner may not experience the same feelings at the same time or in the same way. During fertility treatment, some couples report feelings of frustration and anger. Try to direct your focus towards something positive, such as a favourite hobby or a new activity. |
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Working as a team
There’s no absolute success rate for fertility treatment and in most cases multiple cycles are necessary. The good news is that there’s a range of treatments available. As time goes by you may need to review your options. The months ahead will be easier if you and your partner plan together as a team.
- Choose when and how you want to talk about treatment options. Discussions about fertility shouldn’t take over your life or your relationship. Set aside time to talk things through. Men may handle sensitive conversations better when they are actively doing something, rather than staring across a table. Go for a walk, or tackle that garden hedge together.
- Review your expectations of one another. No one person can meet another’s every emotional need. At times, you may feel overwhelmed by what you’re going through. If you feel in need of more emotional support than your partner can give, ask to see a fertility counsellor. Your doctor or clinic will be able to help.
- Decide how much to share beyond your partnership. It’s important that you can discuss your conception difficulties with people close to you. It’s also important that you and your partner feel secure about how much detail is being shared. Issues of infertility can challenge a man’s sense of masculinity. Come to an agreement about what details should remain private.
- Plan activities you can enjoy as a couple. It’s easy to lose romance and spontaneity when both of you are going through so much. Put a conscious effort into planning something fun, when you don’t need to talk about your fertility.
Download “Working as a Team” chart to help you get started.
| Sometimes, couples give up their dreams of a baby before allowing enough time for their fertility treatment to work. The emotional stress of coping with their conception difficulties can become too great. Organise your life to give it balance and guard against stress in the months ahead. |
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Emerge with a stronger relationship
The majority of couples who go through fertility treatment say the experience brought them closer and made their relationship stronger.1
Even if you approach the matter in a different way, you may be a perfect team. Using each other’s strengths can benefit you as a couple. Communicate openly with each other and plan ahead together. Even if things don’t always go as hoped, you’ll know what to do next and will find the strength to continue. After all, you both want the same thing!
1. Schmidt L et al. Does infertility cause marital benefit? An epidemiological study of 2250 women and men in fertility treatment. Patient Education and Counseling 2005;59: 244–251.
