Be a supportive partner: understanding states of mind
Tuning into each other’s emotional needs
Coping with your own response to issues of infertility – let alone your partner’s – is a challenge. For one thing, your reactions to fertility problems will be different. Women tend to confront problems head on. They seem naturally able to talk about their feelings, especially to other women. They want to know how men feel too, which isn’t always easy to express.
Men on the other hand, try to work out things themselves and try not to let a problem interfere with their daily routine.
None of this means either of you should change your behaviour. But being aware of these differences can help you avoid misunderstandings and approach your treatment as a team.
| If you feel your partner needs more support than you can give, suggest seeing a psychologist together. Your partner may also want to share their feelings with friends or family. Agree in advance which aspects of your fertility treatment should remain private. |
|---|
Coming together
Most couples that have been through fertility treatment say they’re brought closer by the experience1, despite the distress they’ve been through. It’s vital to talk things over. Use this chart to get started.
You’ll find it helps to:
- Agree on your expectations of one another without asking too much.
- Draw up a plan for the future. It helps put things in perspective and focus on what’s important should you need to make difficult decisions.
- Don’t allow fertility to rule your life. Instead, if there’s something you need to discuss, set aside a specific time and give the venue some thought. A walk in the park may be less intense than a fixed table for two.
- Put a conscious effort into planning something fun where you don’t need to talk about your fertility. It’s important to create some balance in your life.
- Don’t let stress rule your life. Yoga, meditation or exercise may help shift your focus.
| Don’t wait for your partner to initiate a conversation. Remember, you’re going through this together. Sometimes just verbalising fears and frustrations can alleviate some of the stress you both feel. Open up and encourage your partner to share feelings too. |
|---|
Some coping strategies
During treatment, help your partner focus on managing feelings and maintaining a balanced life. These practical steps will help:
- Read as much as you can about infertility, its causes and treatments. Websites like this one are a great start.
- Accept your partner may feel a need to share feelings more or less often than you do. Agree on privacy boundaries and build a support network that meets your needs.
- Cut down on stressful activities and allow yourselves private time.
- Organise the odd surprise. It will remind you both why you’re on this journey together.
- Try going to doctor’s appointments together so you both understand what’s happening.
- Acknowledge that periods of depression or anxiety may occur.
- Plan the next step in case treatments you are going through are not successful. The majority of couples can be helped with advanced fertility treatments.2
| Watch your partner for signs of negative thoughts. Infertility isn’t someone’s ‘fault.’ It’s a medical condition that affects one in ten couples. The success rate for modern treatments is high. Most couples succeed in achieving pregnancy without the need for advanced treatments. |
|---|
1. Schmidt L et al. Does infertility cause marital benefit? An epidemiological study of 2250 women and men in fertility treatment. Patient Education and Counseling 2005;59: 244–251. 2. Pinbourg A et al, Prospective longitudinal cohort study on cumulative 5-year delivery and adoption rates among 1338 couples initiating infertility treatment. Hum Reprod.2009;24: 991-999.
